The Future
I feel like it's about time I should blog about this important part of my life. I don't even know why I've been putting it off, I guess lately I've just been feeling kind of...glum.
ANYWAYS so school is out and I'm officially a senior!! WOOHOOO!!! Right?
Actually, I've been feeling pretty much anything but excited. Any time someone brings up the future, or college, or just senior year, I've immediately changed the subject or just straight out say, "yeah I don't really want to talk about that right now". But the thing is, I HAVE to talk about it. It's coming whether I like it or not, so I might as well start by blogging about it.
So here are just straight facts about why I am scared shitless about the upcoming year.
1. I don't want to leave my friends behind.
These are the people I have known since freshmen year, since middle school, since the freaking FOURTH GRADE. I've grown so close to them and it's not exactly easy for me to make such amazing friends who I can be so happy with. How the heck am I supposed to just leave them all behind? Who else will know what my good days are, will know how I'm feeling just by looking at my face, or know what I like to order at Mooyahs? Who else can I bluntly tell, "hold on, I gotta take a dump"? Who else can I take ugly snapchats for and trust not to screenshot?
That's right: no one.
2. I don't know what I want to do
These are the years I'm supposed to be deciding what I want to embark on for my future career, and the thing is, I always thought I had this planned straight from 8th grade. Any time anyone asked what I wanted to do, I always had a prompt answer: "I want to major in something to do with business or finance and get into Wall Street." Simple enough, right?
But as I've been actually THINKING about it, do I really want to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office cubicle handling other people's money? Do I really think I could have the potential to actually make it on to Wall Street? Do I really think I could handle the stress that comes with being in business/finance? IS THAT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO???
I can't even answer that, because I still don't know.
3. Living by myself
I still have to ask my mom if light navy counts as "dark wash" or how many minutes I should heat up the leftovers for. How the hell am I supposed to live on my own? Although, I will say, this is something I'm not TOO worried for; I'm actually looking forward to NOT hearing my mom's constant nagging and arguments.
4. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DECIDE WHERE I WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT 4 YEARS OF MY LIFE
HOW
PLEASE
LET ME KNOW
I can't even get into more detail with this right now because I may just burst into tears.
5. My boyfriend...?
I know, I KNOW. Trust me. When I first went into HS I always told myself that even if I did get a boyfriend, I would never let him factor into my college decisions or my future. Career/school first, boyfriend later.
And then y'know, I actually got a boyfriend.
I've been asking myself so many questions lately. Stuff like, do you really see yourself with him after high school? Is he really what you're looking for? Is he more important than making it on to Wall Street and sipping champagne in a penthouse overlooking Central Park?
And y'know what? I can't give a definite yes, but I can say this: He makes me question why I ever wanted to be alone.
I don't know if I can see us together in 50 years, but I can also say that I don't want to be sipping champagne in a penthouse overlooking Central Park by myself.
I recently saw something on
Humans of New York's instagram page that really hit home with me.
"The hope is that after 8 years, I’ll be made a partner. Until then, the job description basically states that I will be worked to death."
"So what’s your greatest fear about the next 8 years?"
"Turning 40 and not having a personal life. Finding out that I’ve gotten where I want to be, but there’s nobody in my life to give a shit about where I am or what I’ve done."
I remember the first time I saw this, I had to scroll back up and then really realize: This will be me in ten, fifteen years. Do I really want that? Do I really want to be stuck in the same predicament as this guy?
For the past couple of years I always told myself that it would all be worth it when I made it big. "it" being...success, I guess. Money. Power.
I always told myself that friends, love, family wouldn't matter. As long as I had money and power, I would be happy.
But (and yes, I know you shouldn't start a sentence with "but" BUT I've been doing it throughout this post so eh) as I really started to think about it, I pictured myself in an open, loft style, lavish and ostentatious penthouse suite. I pictured myself sitting alone on my couch designed for 12. I pictured myself sipping wine without clinking cheers with someone else, curling up in my king sized bed with the other half neatly made, and I pictured myself waking up and going to bed every morning and night alone.
I don't know.
Wow this has gone from "Omg I'm a senior I'm so scared from college" to I don't even know.
