at this point i feel like i should just private everything on this blog because i am way too paranoid about this rn

I have so many random bruises on my legs?? I don't recall getting hit by any cars or falling down any frat party stairs recently

I'm having trouble describing this current feeling

i don't know

side note:

you know when you have some past memories that are just totally feel-good memories?

one of mine is christmas of 2014--junior year of high school, and i just got back from Chicago with orchestra after performing at midwest.

Tony was visiting for the holidays, and we also got to take care of Cody since his family was on vacation. I had to sleep on the couch in the game room, but it was warm inside the house and snowing outside and I just remember being really happy about this typical traditional American day (as American it can get with a Chinese family celebrating it lol) and I also remember being happy that I actually had gifts to contribute this year from Chicago.

another is a bit more general but visiting California every year for summer/christmas. it doesn't feel quite the same anymore now that I'm in college, but yeah. I remember going to breakfast/brunch places with zhao xin and rick, or walking ET with zhao rei and jack. and then of course jack just leaves one day and I don't find out about it until months later.

actually I'm just going to mention that right now

it fucking hurt when I found out that jack left and I would never see him again. I was in high school, I wasn't like a little kid who wouldn't understand. break ups happen, divorces happen. life sucks. you're not just supposed to leave a family member after 15 years of knowing them without a goodbye.

the thing I miss the most, even though it is very lame, is the running joke I kept up with him for literally ten years. Age is kind of a taboo thing to ask in our family (or i guess in Asia in general or whenever someone just starts getting old lol) but since I was literally like seven years old I always asked him, 'Jack, 你几岁？" which is "Jack, how old are you?"

It kept up over the years and whenever I would start my question out with "Jack...." we would try to beat each other to it by asking the other person how old they are. It sounds absurd now that I am typing it out but

I like how this started out as a feel-good memories thing but it just turns to this ha

i don't know why i'm so sad? i feel like this kind of feeling is supposed to wear off after a day or two, maybe a few days. not for this long.

i think the reason why i'm having trouble describing or writing about this feeling is kinda the shame I feel from feeling this. Does that make sense?

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have friends, I have a family, I have a place to live with a warm comfortable bed and a fridge full of way too much food. Therefore, I feel shameful from being sad--there is no reason for me to feel this way. you know?

okay I guess I should do more work now.


also idk who tf is reading this but i hope this is somewhat entertaining

i just woke up and i haven't even showered yet so i feel absolutely disgusting

i kind of want to go work out before i shower but i don't think i can physically handle that right now lmao

rf;rh;rufruvfn i'm not doing that again for a while

UGH i feel like i can't write in here my proper thoughts and feelings because i know people are reading this and it makes me paranoid that I don't know who

last night was nidia's birthday party so it was really cool seeing everyone (well, most) from Shanghai again. G and i went to 6th for a bit but it wasn't too fun so we just came back early and I went back to nidia's to chill.

yeah honestly

other than special occasions (like birthdays lol) i'm going to take a break from all that for now

okay today

well first i need to shower

and then i need to figure out a way to stop being depressed

and then i need to study and do homework

ok good plan

i need to stop being so whiny and get my stuff done lmao

uGHDHSHGFHGDHFGH ok im gonna go work on my apps now

for like 30 min bc then I'm going out with g to eat dinner and shanghai reunion

also while I am writing this I would just like to reemphasize for like the 100th time on this blog that feelings suck

except this time around the tables are turned and I feel bad but I don't know what to do

so one of my roommates basically gave up talking to boys until she gets an internship this summer; and while I admire her resilience, I don't think I could do the same

BUT ACTUALLY

I think I could!! i'm tired af of "talking" and this year I need to figure my shit out on my own and seriously just these experiences from this past year is making me feel so ick about boys

why am I writing on here and not my applications

ok goodbye

i'm sorry my writing is so jumbled recently; I'm so paranoid that people I know are reading my blog so I've just been writing in my own journal. Honestly I feel like if I wrote on here what I write in my personal journal people would probably call 911 l o l

ok bye

i don't know which one is worse

how i felt this time last year, or how i feel now