I have so many random bruises on my legs?? I don't recall getting hit by any cars or falling down any frat party stairs recently

I'm having trouble describing this current feeling

i don't know

side note:

you know when you have some past memories that are just totally feel-good memories?

one of mine is christmas of 2014--junior year of high school, and i just got back from Chicago with orchestra after performing at midwest.

Tony was visiting for the holidays, and we also got to take care of Cody since his family was on vacation. I had to sleep on the couch in the game room, but it was warm inside the house and snowing outside and I just remember being really happy about this typical traditional American day (as American it can get with a Chinese family celebrating it lol) and I also remember being happy that I actually had gifts to contribute this year from Chicago.

another is a bit more general but visiting California every year for summer/christmas. it doesn't feel quite the same anymore now that I'm in college, but yeah. I remember going to breakfast/brunch places with zhao xin and rick, or walking ET with zhao rei and jack. and then of course jack just leaves one day and I don't find out about it until months later.

actually I'm just going to mention that right now

it fucking hurt when I found out that jack left and I would never see him again. I was in high school, I wasn't like a little kid who wouldn't understand. break ups happen, divorces happen. life sucks. you're not just supposed to leave a family member after 15 years of knowing them without a goodbye.

the thing I miss the most, even though it is very lame, is the running joke I kept up with him for literally ten years. Age is kind of a taboo thing to ask in our family (or i guess in Asia in general or whenever someone just starts getting old lol) but since I was literally like seven years old I always asked him, 'Jack, 你几岁？" which is "Jack, how old are you?"

It kept up over the years and whenever I would start my question out with "Jack...." we would try to beat each other to it by asking the other person how old they are. It sounds absurd now that I am typing it out but

I like how this started out as a feel-good memories thing but it just turns to this ha

i don't know why i'm so sad? i feel like this kind of feeling is supposed to wear off after a day or two, maybe a few days. not for this long.

i think the reason why i'm having trouble describing or writing about this feeling is kinda the shame I feel from feeling this. Does that make sense?

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have friends, I have a family, I have a place to live with a warm comfortable bed and a fridge full of way too much food. Therefore, I feel shameful from being sad--there is no reason for me to feel this way. you know?

okay I guess I should do more work now.


also idk who tf is reading this but i hope this is somewhat entertaining