change pt 1

I promise a full update will be coming soon (maybe within a week???) so watch out for that but I need to talk about this first.

Obviously with college, there is a lot of change, and also quite obviously as well, not all that change is good.

Okay I don't want to type all formal so I'm just gonna type the way I usually do.

BASICALLY. A lot of changes have happened since August, and those changes have affected me to change myself and my actions as well.

Some of those changes are good. For example, I think I am definitely more outgoing and more "myself" than before--that is, I don't feel like I need to constantly worry about what others think of me. So like..this is a lame example but if I hear a song I want to jam out to, you better bet I'm gonna jam out to it.

(lame)

ugh I don't know why I feel like I can't express myself very well right now by writing.

A lot of the changes I've seen in myself are quite disappointing. Recently I've been looking at my actions more often and just thinking "who the hell is this person? I don't even know her" but that person is ME.

The sad thing is, I didn't even realize a lot of this until it was explicitly stated to me by others. Hearing about stuff I've done/said that I don't even remember is a really shitty thing. Do you know what it's like to hear about things that you've said and how absolutely mortifying it is that you can't even remember??

As well with my actions. There isn't anything that I've DONE (not said) that I don't remember. I remember everything I do, and that is the most terrible part--I know what I'm doing, I know the consequences of those actions, and I do it anyway.

What is it with temporary satisfaction? I remember reading an article a while ago where there was a study/experiment done with kids and candy. Children were individually put into a room with a bowl of candy, and they were asked to wait as long as they could before eating the candy; it was something like with each additional minute that they didn't eat the candy, they would get an extra piece, so there was the incentive to hold out longer. It was a long term study, and those who held out longer did better in...school? life? I don't remember, but regardless, they were better off than those who ate the candy immediately.

I thought I was really really good at that. I believed that if I was the kid, I would've probably held out until the experiment was over and got the most candy I could, but ofc I'm sure that's what everyone thinks lmao

Why is it so hard to control temporary urges? I KNOW the consequences. I KNOW what will happen. yet I do it anyways, because...I'm an idiot

also part of me is naive because I have the idea that the consequences could potentially not happen.

I know this all sounds very vague and I seem like an asshole for not giving out more details but either 1. you can assume or 2. you can apply this to anything & use it as a learning tool

so the lesson here is to NOT do what I've been doing for the past 4 months lol

With the end of this semester and 5 weeks for a break, I know I will be doing (and am currently doing) a lot of self reflection. Is what I've been doing representative of who I actually am as a person?  Yes, this has to do with perception management and the importance of what others think of me, but most importantly--is this who I want to be?

(the answer is no, by the way)

but...how do I change that?

I'm self aware. I realize what I've been doing. But I keep doing it anyway??

bc

1. It's hard to resist urges
2. ^^^^

I wanted to be independent and I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but when I really think about it, I've been doing the complete and utter opposite. Instead of being on my own, I rely on other things and other people--but the wrong things, and the wrong people.

wow I did absolutely nothing in this post to fix the problem. Knowing me I'll probably do the same thing in a week, and only that far away because I'm back home and its not as easy to make those type of mistakes.

also update: still sick. coughing 100x a minute (SEXY)

step 1: self-awareness ✓