2 am rambles

Sometimes the best and worst feeling in the world is sinking into bed and listening to nostalgic music late in the night.

Accompany that with reading bad articles on thought catalog and being alone in your thoughts and you have a perfect recipe for...loneliness? regret? being alone with your thoughts is a pretty scary thing.

Wait-M83

Mm something that sucks is knowing that anyone could be reading this. anyone could find my blog; people I know from school could find this and use it against me and spread around the fact that I am a weird, crazy, lonely person (which is not true ok i can be normal sometimes too). Another thing is knowing that the things I type can be misinterpreted differently.

I guess one thing is to put this blog on private, or make a new one. But why should I do that? Just because some mean people could potentially find this? Screw them.

I think it helps because even if no one reads this, knowing that someone could be reading this and somehow relate or at least understand how I'm feeling makes it ok. I know what being lonely feels like, I know what being misunderstood feels like, and I guess this is just my way of telling the world HEY. I'm out here, and I deal with this kind of shit too.

Let it go-James Bay

I really don't know what the point of this post was. I feel like I had something deep and emotionally impactful to talk about but i think I lost it.

Better days--goo goo dolls

^I really hate that band name, I'm sorry

I guess I'll just talk about how my days have been so far.

I got home on Saturday night, and since then I've been feeling...dreadful quite honestly haha

Something about being back "home" doesn't fit well. First of all, it doesn't even feel like home. Everything is familiar but at the same time it all seems temporary. I look around my room and I can't remember how I slept here for four years. I go into my study room and I can't see myself staying up nights doing homework and reading textbooks. I can't see myself here at all.

Fix you--Coldplay

I've been driving around a lot for no particular reason. This morning I woke up to get donuts and kolaches and then I just drove to heritage park and sat there for a while.

In the afternoon I drive to target/hobby lobby because 1. theres nothing else to do here 2. #1

wow I do not like this song I'm sorry

Somewhere only we know--Keane

I don't know. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was happy?

I don't like this song either

How to save a life--the fray

^ thats a real throwback...wow I remember listening to this over and over again in 7th grade trying to get over my first crush lmao

BRUH i even tried to learn this on piano to impress him smh

I think this song is always relevant.

back to what I was saying

I feel very..empty? I feel like there is no depth to me. Like what I wrote in the post before, who am I??

this all sounds very teenage-angsty and I cringe bc I'm not but..I guess it seems like it rn but I also feel like I'm not and

is any of this making sense?

stop and stare--one republic (holy throwback)

I read some thought catalog article (first mistake) about stuff girls do that guys secretly think is attractive. One of them was something like "it's attractive when girls start talking really deeply about something they are passionate about".

 If someone were to ask me "what are you passionate about?" what would I even say??

oh hello I am passionate about listening to feels-y songs at 2 am and writing in my blog about things that don't make sense. I am passionate about playing the piano and listening to concertos like Tchaikovsky's piano concerto no 1 in b flat minor (which is a MASTERPIECE by the way) and fantasizing about performing with the new york phil as a solo pianist. I am passionate about making sure people I care about are ok, which is the shittiest thing ever because there are some people who you can't do that for. I am passionate about watching documentaries about human trafficking and then getting so angry that I can't even finish watching the documentary. I am passionate about hony and I am passionate about reading angst-y YA novels and I am passionate about finding the absolute best milk tea boba there is (jk but really)

so yeah those are some attractive passions huh

the thing is, HOW CAN YOU BE PASSIONATE ABOUT THOSE THINGS??? those are not things you are supposed to be passionate about, or even can be passionate about. The things you are supposed to be passionate about it helping the community by tutoring impoverished students, art, and maybe paulo coelho if you're that deep. he is very quotable I must admit.

lullabies--yuna

i have so many faults as a person (what else would i have faults as--a plant???) I'm sorry i'm v tired and delirious right now and I just want to finish this post so i can "sleep"--aka toss and turn for another two hours

i'm saying. I have so many faults.

why am i talking about this

OK THE POINT IS