soulmate where u @

it is currently 1:40 AM and I was suddenly struck with the desire to put on Paramore's the only exception and blog about how I don't think I'll ever find true love

sounds so overdramatic I want to slap myself

I'm currently sitting here in my dorm room in my pjs with greasy hair and I just feel like I will never ever find someone who will make me have that feeling

you know that feeling?

as soon as a text comes in from them, your heart skips a beat. when they call, you have to remind yourself to take a deep breath before diving in to answer. whenever you see them, you can't stop smiling uncontrollably and every night after a good conversation and after saying goodnight, you still scroll through past messages and can't help yourself from just imagining all these crazy situations with this person. 

I still get this feeling? but it's not...completely there. maybe my heart skips half a beat when I get a message from someone. maybe I make myself get dressed up before going to an event where they will be. maybe I even half heartedly scroll through our messages. 

but it passes.

and yeah, the feeling isn't there to last. but i know when it's 100% there, and it...hasn't been there.

I know I should just focus on myself for now, and make myself the best possible self I can be without having someone else there for me. and I am! I'm doing that. I think.

One scenario I keep replaying in my head is this:

Picture this. It's high school all over again. (Yeah, I know, high school sucked for the most part but not all of it.) Friday night football games, holding hands while walking through the cafeteria-food scented hallways, and slyly making out in the practice rooms after school. Walking each other to your cars after class ends, and kissing good morning before first period.

On the weekends, calling him over when you find out your parents will be out for the day. Driving endlessly to find the perfect makeup spot. Watching the sunset at your favorite spot out by the lake. Sharing spoonfuls of ice-cream at your local ice cream place. Studying with each other over Skype because it's too late and your parents won't let him come over.

Late night phone conversations until 3 in the morning. Donut holes on calculus exam days. Fights and crying at midnight over the phone, and having him come over and making out in five minutes after apologizing to each other.

i don't know. this isn't a scenario i'm imagining in my head.

i need sleep