breakups & updates
currently: sea of lovers by Christina Perrimy headphones I'm using suck though so I feel like it doesn't sound as good as it should??
okay just went through a big hassle to get new headphones and it still sounds the same so COOL
anyways
there isn't really a purpose to this post but I just wanted to write. I've been getting back into Jane the Virgin which is a HELLA good show okay!! I had to take a break around episode 15 because it was just way too dramatic like damn chill out for a second but anyways yeah its good now. Actually NO it's very sad because Rafael just broke up with Jane?? Like he told her he didn't love her anymore when he did which is dumb af because when you love someone just fucking be with them ok
or at least that's how it should be. thats how it WOULD be in a parallel universe
now: Let the Light Back In by Maggie Eckford (this needs to be on spotify)
these are all kinda sad songs but they're from JtV and as a I said above something very sad just happened so
Oh okay so
When Rafael broke up with Jane, the show did something to kinda humorously bring in the 7 stages of grief:
1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance & Hope
In the show, Jane went through all these stages in a period of 16 hours and 22 minutes. Which would be fantastic if it was actually realistic but unfortunately its not.
I guess when I saw it in the show I just started thinking about my recent breakup--though it isn't recent, is it? It's been a little more than 4 months. In 2 months it would've been our 2 years.
I don't really know what stage I'm in. I still remember the first stage though. Actually I remember most of these stages.
The first stage was spent in the 6th floor girls bathroom--first stall, slumped on the toilet seat and crying on the phone with my mom at 3 in the morning. I remember some girl came in while I was on the phone and started fucking blow drying her hair and at the time I was like REALLY BITCH. REALLY. now it's a little funny.
Props to my mom (and dad) for handling that, because if my daughter ever called me at 3 in the morning only crying "Why" and "How do I get him back" and "I want to die, mom" I wouldn't really know what to do.
The second stage started maybe a week after the initial break up. I wouldn't say I had as much guilt as pain, though. The pain of waking up and checking your phone and knowing that there isn't a good morning text there from him but still having hope for one. The pain of having to interact with other people when all you want to do is check your phone and wait for him to potentially call/text you. The pain of seeing/hearing other people talk about their relationships. and oh god, the pain of running into him on campus and pretending not to see each other when YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE EACH OTHER and pretend that there isn't 17 months of memories between you two.
I definitely remember the third stage: Anger. Holy anger. It started when he changed his profile picture on Facebook from a selfie of both of us to a picture that I'm not in (obviously). I think it just came from it setting in like "he changed his profile picture. it's officially over." which sounds stupid but I mean...idk. It was like the symbolism behind it.
I remember the moment it happened, too. I was studying in the study lounge downstairs with Qiwei, and I checked his fb profile for like the 10th time of the day and boom, new profile picture. In a way, I was expecting it bc it would be even weirder if he just kept his old profile picture of both of us but its just that little ounce of hope. ARGH.
I saw it, and I was like QIWEI. QIWEI LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS!!!
I just remembered a scene from a Wongfu video that is pretty much this situation.
Here is the link to the video. The scene I'm referring to is at 10:11 except its not like entirely the same situation I was in lol.
but anyways I showed her and she said all the things she was supposed to say. Except she also said this: 一朵鲜花插在牛粪上.
like she actually said this in Chinese so I'm not just typing it in Chinese here for no reason lol.
but I guess that's the moment I started stage 3. It lasted for a few days, but not for long.
Stage 4 and 5 switched between each other. These were the longest stages for me. I don't really know what to say about this? I read this a lot though:
"The fact is, you gave your LIFE to this person- your happiness, your trust, everything that you are. If they took that, threw it on the ground and stomped on it in front of you, then they don’t deserve it."
okay anyways yeah those are the 7 stages of grief.
also I remember being so...pathetic. and vulnerable to everyone. At first, I refused to talk about it to anyone and I also refused to tell anyone (which I guess kind of goes along with stage 1) but also I was just ashamed. don't really know why.
I don't really know why but I began asking people if they ever went through a break up. Okay obviously not to everyone; I didn't like particularly pick people to ask but it just fit into certain situations I guess.
I think the first instance was on the megabus going back home for labor day weekend. Actually, I'm not even the one who brought it up! While we were waiting in line to get on, the guy standing behind me started chatting with me and we sat next to each other on the bus. 10 minutes later, he asked me "Have you ever gone through a break up?" and I was like "um yes like 2 days ago" and he was like "me yesterday!!"
and then we spent the next 3 hours or so talking about our breakups. LOL. kinda weird how that happens huh.
After that encounter, I kinda had the balls to be like him and ask people if they ever went through a break up. The main reason I did this was because I wanted to know how tf they managed to survive and live through such a shitty situation which sounds very dramatic but at the time that's what I wanted to know!
At the ABSA camping trip, I talked to Amanda about it. Honestly, that's the first time I really felt...better? about the breakup. its like...hearing her story, and seeing where she is now was like...idk. it gave me the hope to one day overcome this and just...be as strong as her as lame as that sounds.
I also remember talking about this with Jennifer at the first ABSA gm and then sitting through the entire meeting trying not to cry.
oh also in my first brownbag with Zack.
its almost kind of..refreshing? to see how many people have been through shitty breakups but then see how well they're doing/seem to be doing now. like i said earlier, it just instilled hope in me.
OKAY ENOUGH BREAKUP TALK I'm tired of this
i need to change my fb profile picture OH YEAH
winter break update post coming soon ok
i like ours-taylor swift
man i'm just having a tswift throwback right now
let me just say taylor swift is the shit ok. literally so many of her songs pinpoint a certain time in my life. she just GETS me.
huh i was going to talk about something else
oh my god i've been sitting here listening to music and writing for almost 2 hours. I should be packing. or be doing something productive.
at least I'm not just aimlessly driving around town l o l
hmm should i make some cookies???
oh i cut my hair
i hate it HAHA
I haven't had my hair this short since...8th grade. It's so short oh my god. I don't know how I feel. I mean, I DO know how I feel--I hate it.
idk i was just like..new year. new me. ya feel?
okay
also you know what, back to jane the virgin--i ADMIRE her vow of chastity! YOU GO GIRL
my take on sex before marriage is still same old. I'd only have sex with someone I can genuinely see myself marrying.
(not that anyone asked but ok)
ergh ok enough writing for the day GOODBYE
