monday thoughts

..................................

friday thoughts

im going to be lonely as fuck my fifth year

:O

who is reading my posts!!

hello whoever you are! welcome to my blog of really depressed but {sometimes} funny thoughts. i wonder if i know who you are, or if you're just some random person out in the world. you're probably someone i know who i never talk to anymore. OR you're someone i talk to on a daily basis, you sly dog

do you ever have a moment in your life when you stop and think about how well/okay everything is going, and think, man when is my next tragic moment? When is something bad going to happen??? there's no way the world is supposed to go this smoothly right?? i've been having that thought lately.

so yeah, things have been ok i suppose. i'm currently in summer school which absolutely sucks, but theres like one week left with one more round of midterms and then finals and then i can go home and relax WOOOOO

i helped pranav move in last week, which was surprisingly actually pretty fun (for me at least hehe). don't get me wrong, moving is such a pain but i guess it's just more fun when it's with someone you love being with

i sound so gloaty rn sorry but like i don't know how else to say it?? like yeah i love being with him idk how else to say it

you know who else i love being with!! kaylee!! and she's coming back tomorrow YES and we're planning to go paddle boarding and getting our third piercings together on monday after my midterms

currently at his place on my own desk (!!) where i should be studying lol. eh but i wanted to take a break and write in my journal except i left it at my place so i guess this will do. i'm trying to make this more private (in case you haven't noticed) bc i feel like this is very sensitive material if leaked lol. BUT then again it's also like WELL yeah i have embarrassing stuff on here and my thoughts are weird sometimes and i'm sure any sane person who reads this might think i'm mentally deranged but these are my thoughts, this is my blog, please leave if you don't like it

ok bye

depressed girl finds love, loses it due to her insecurities

update

it's been a while

suicide

depression
hopelessness
neediness

--words i never thought i'd be constantly thinking about

i love accounting

getchu someone who fills your water bottle with the temperature of water just the way you like it

whoa i did it

running thru the 5 with my exec app

again

to u

honestly idk who tf is still reading my blog but whoever you are, whether you're a stranger in singapore (for some reason I have a couple readers there) or someone I know irl, i hope you're doing ok and if you're not ok then its ok because i'm not ok either but i'm getting there so let's get there together in this one big run on sentence

makin pancakes makin bacon pancakes

fitzgerald had it right

the loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.

this is one of those moments in the movie where the protagonist finally gets what she wants and it just causes even more trouble and conflict

and every time that you're lonely

every time that you're feeling low, you should know

someone please save me from this sadness

i've gotten good at feigning okay-ness

isn't it kind of ridiculous how quickly time passes?

things that happened in 2016

DAMN

I feel like I just wrote things that happened in 2015 a month ago or something

jk its been....a very long year

I'll try to list everything in order, but lesgo:

-spent new years with my mom (bc dad was already snoring away)--this was 2015--> 2016
-cut my hair really short for a guy and regretted it
-became really obsessed with false lashes and wore them everyday for a whole semester
-became really obsessed with hats and competing with kaylee and daniel to buy them on ut buy/sell
-really really liked a guy who ended up breaking my heart right before my advertising exam (which I got a 100 on anyways whassup)
-started volunteering for capital community and realized i love kids and teaching
-took chinese 604 which was possibly the best and worst decision i made (clutched an A somehow)
-went to mount bonnell for the first time with ABSA
-met nick at ABSA hot chocolate social; "hey sabeeha, who is that random white guy over there?"
-first fwb kinda thing
-celebrated CNY with parents
-first superbowl with ABSA
-got my first carnation #friendship
-went to TUSPC hungover and thus led to the beginning of tiana w/o eyebrows
-celebrated valentine's day at the domain with zack
-was exec VP for a day at Accenture GM
-took michelle and her dad around Austin when she came to visit for colleges
-was assassinated by sagar in ABSA assassins....then found out we were going to shanghai together :')
-X marks the spot with amanda aaron neelay and zack
-the project!!! that was fun :)
-experienced first ABSA top model
-celebrated Amanda's 20th birthday by smearing cake on her face
-supported kaylee at texasthon 12 hour dance marathon
-CHICAGO CFT for spring break!!
     -saw the chicago river being dyed green for st patricks day
     -visited navy pier for the first time
     -saw the bean for the second time
     -visited the chicago art institute museum for the second time
     -walked along the chicago river at night
-helped at spring networking reception!
-sprained my ankle for the first time when i was running towards my mom
-hosted spring case competition with hbsa!!
-pied amanda for pie an officer
-got a $4k stipend to go to shanghai!!!!!!!
-wrote, poured my heart into, and turned in my VP application
-ran for VP
-didn't get VP
-mm became  kinda really sad down  started the road of feeling inadequate
-volunteered for healing with horses
-started this thing with this guy who on paper was perfect
-but....the feeling wasn't there
-turned 18!!! #legal
-went to build a bear with zack where he surprised me with tianasaurus rex
-walton's brunch with exec branch
-spring EOS
-uhhhhh got really wasted at the after party, for a lack of better words
-woke up on amanda's couch
-volunteered for FYM
-visited a cat cafe
-exec photoshoot
-exec dinner with old exec
-sushi junai for the first time after macro final
-first sleepover and face masks with kaylee and daniel :')))
-moved out of my dorm!!
-WENT TO SHANGHAI ALONE FOR 6 WEEKS FOR MY FIRST INTERNSHIP HOLY SHAT
     -holy shat i can't believe i did this
     -started my job as a risk management intern at the industrial and commercial bank of china
     -woke up at like 7 am every morning to go to work and got home at like 7 pm every night
     -worked in this beautiful gorgeous tall building in the middle of the financial district where I had to take the subway to every morning and felt grown up omg
     -had a really tough time working tbh
     -didn't think I could make it through
     -but I did it!!!
     -got rejected from BHP for the second time---following the road of inadequacy
     -met up with allen in shanghai!
     -visited tiantzifang a whole bunch of times
     -smoked hookah for the first time in this cute tree cafe in tianzifang
     -smoked a cigarette for the first time (marlboro fresh menthol)
     -got crossed for the first time
     -got into the nicest clubs in shanghai (M1NT, bar rouge, etc) holy
     -got a table at a club and danced on aforementioned tables
     -saw strippers irl for the first time
     -saw the shanghai skyline and felt so little
     -climbed a mountain at 7 am while it was raining---after coming home at 3 am after a night out
     -YO there was this club called perry's where drinks would literally be in buckets and you'd just stick like 10 straws in the bucket and pass it around.....damn now that i think about it that is                 actually very gross but at the time it was the coolest thing ever
     -actually used a password to get into a club
     -visited an ice bar for the first time! (watermelon smirnoff)
     -met this rly cool guy named richard on tinder lulz
     -went to hong kong with my parents
     -gained 10 lb in 10 weeks actual holy shit whats wrong with me
     -went to california for a week
     -WHY IS THIS LIST SO LONG IM ONLY IN THE SUMMER
-came back home to flomo
-started a private gym and literally worked out twice a day
 -still fat tho rip
-went down to victoria with jennifer to visit kaylee and went to the beach at corpus christi!!!
-that was fun
-started my sophomore year of college!!!!
-moved into my first ever apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with kaylee anna tonya
-took jang out to 6th street for his first time!! that was fun too
-got a free dildo from #cocksnotglocks
-cooked a lot
-ABSA boat party!!! met pv and leo
-applied for spirits
-got rejected from spirits----following the road of inadequacy
-applied for orange jackets
-got rejected from orange jackets---following the road of inadequacy
-applied for admissions ambassadors
-made second round!
-got rejected from admissions ambassadors---following the road of inadequacy
-became really...sad
-i'm not quite sure how depression feels, because when i see why other people are depressed, i feel like my issues are quite subpar...but even so, i guess this was also when i felt like i was the most depressed i've ever been. which i still don't feel comfortable saying
-hardest thing i did in absa---being integrated in absa again
-which sounds dumb
-ugh
-i just didn't really like this time period this year
-moving on
-ABSA camping!!! #nonewfriends and slept in anna's car & apparently i snored EMBARRASSING tf
-discovered my love for honey butter chicken biscuit
-applied for FYM PM and fam director in ABSA
-got FYM pm!!! with co nancy woo
-more sleepovers with daniel and kaylee
-applied to deloitte's discovery intern program
-got into first round!!!
-got into second round!!!!!??
-didn't get the internship lol
-but I did get invited to the envision leadership conference in 2017!
-started tiana talks with kaylee
-got my ears pierced!!!!!! with zack heh
-cracked my iphone screen...twice
-went to TX OU weekend with teletubbies!!!!!
-state fair for the first time iml
-ate lots of fried food!!!!
-SAW OH WONDER LIVE WITH JENNIFER OH MY GOD
-met richard in person lul weird how friendships come about
-house of torment!!! that was fun lol
-HALLOWEEN 2k16 HELL YAAAAA jk it wasn't that fun this year tbh
-dressed up as a hooters waitress and went to lambda party + nidia's
-dressed up as hooters waitress again for the second night for absa party
-did not get lit tbh
-stayed up actually talking to pv for the first time the second night
-I VOTED!!!!!!
-applied for gateway scholars mentorship program
-got into the second round
-got into the final round
-got the position to become a mentor for gateway scholars :)))))
-first FYM photoshoot
-first academic social at sam's apartment
-first case competition with A1 Consulting! #take5 (also oh god never again, i almost died)
-attended anna's probate
-went on ritual date with genny downtown
-went to vivian's 21st birthday party
-went home for thanksgiving break
-made gingerbread houses with liz mad and sup again
-went black friday shopping with ut friends :)))) tbh this is also a fond memory
-came back to school
-dodge for a cause!!! new exec + old exec
-witnessed pranav shaving for the first time in a month for nsn
-attended alex's graduation (well just took pics with him after)
-FALL EOS! wore my lulus 2 piece dress
-started dating this guy
-who's really cool
-who i like
-a lot
-office/director gift exchange! heh got my T necklace and fuzzy socks from sam
-FEED YOUR MIND!!!!!!!! holy shit i can't believe we did it
-thankful for my committee + nancy + sam
-first date with pv hehe (halcyon + movie kinda)
-academic branch photo shoot
-finished finals oh god, roughest 2 weeks of my life
-HOME FOR WINTER BREAK WOOOOO
-midnight whataburger run
-california!!!!
-disneyland with genny, tony and michelle
-i finally got to see the lampposts at LACMA
-visited venice beach
-had the most expensive brunch iml---$44
-celebrated christmas with everyone at italian restaurant called doppio zero
-tried sushi burritos for the first time
-went shopping in palo alto
-celebrated new years with everyone this time :)
-& so much more

I kinda can't believe this is already my second list. A lot of people thought 2016 sucked, and I won't lie--my 2016 was downright SHIT a lot of times too. However, the few moments of 2016 that made me laugh until I could barely breathe, believe in hope when I had just lost sight of it, and feel like I was right where I was supposed to be...made my year unforgettable.

Posting this 2 minutes before my deadline, DAMN STRAIGHT

here's to a great 2017 :)