trapped

I'm impatiently waiting for my next life disaster

2;04

her heart is played like

well-worn keys

so she turns away and closes her heart;

for the past has taught her not to be caught--

to stop doing

the things I've done

that led to my undoing.

experiencing FYM today from the other side kind of made me understand why I love ABSA again

2;46

things I'm currently stressed about

1. stats
2. accounting
3. actually, switch accounting with stats because if i fail accounting then all hope is lost
4. my deloitte interview
5. studying during break
6. being a good daughter
7. everything else

calm before the storm

you know when life is just so...bleh? like there's nothing too terrible that's going on but it's not good

school piano boys boy friends inadequacy

stressed

if i was just someone random who found my blog and started reading it i'd be like wtf this girl is dumb and overdramatic af

which is why i don't want people i know to read it i guess

tired

what i say: it's fine

what i mean: i'm too tired and sad to deal with this now but this is just another thing to pile on and i hate it and i hate everything and i want it all to be over

i keep failing at everything i'm doing

so i thought it'd be a good idea to document my feelings down

i feel like a failure

i feel like i can't do anything right

i feel like i'm not good enough

i feel like i won't ever be good enough

i know with all these upcoming things i'm applying to, most (if not all) will be rejections

and i don't know why i'm subjecting myself to all of them?? why don't i just give up now

i'm just not good enough

ugh ok gdi i knew someone i know was reading my blog

WHO WAS IT

smh @ u

actually not rlly bc tbh if someone I knew had a personal blog that was public on the internet I'd probs read it too

now I have no views anymore LOL

I can't decide which one is worse--knowing that your blogs are being read and having viewers, but those viewers are people who actually know you in real life--or, not having to worry about people in real life reading your personal thoughts but also not getting any views

ok gn

accounting is..........time consuming

at this point i feel like i should just private everything on this blog because i am way too paranoid about this rn

I have so many random bruises on my legs?? I don't recall getting hit by any cars or falling down any frat party stairs recently

I'm having trouble describing this current feeling

i don't know

side note:

you know when you have some past memories that are just totally feel-good memories?

one of mine is christmas of 2014--junior year of high school, and i just got back from Chicago with orchestra after performing at midwest.

Tony was visiting for the holidays, and we also got to take care of Cody since his family was on vacation. I had to sleep on the couch in the game room, but it was warm inside the house and snowing outside and I just remember being really happy about this typical traditional American day (as American it can get with a Chinese family celebrating it lol) and I also remember being happy that I actually had gifts to contribute this year from Chicago.

another is a bit more general but visiting California every year for summer/christmas. it doesn't feel quite the same anymore now that I'm in college, but yeah. I remember going to breakfast/brunch places with zhao xin and rick, or walking ET with zhao rei and jack. and then of course jack just leaves one day and I don't find out about it until months later.

actually I'm just going to mention that right now

it fucking hurt when I found out that jack left and I would never see him again. I was in high school, I wasn't like a little kid who wouldn't understand. break ups happen, divorces happen. life sucks. you're not just supposed to leave a family member after 15 years of knowing them without a goodbye.

the thing I miss the most, even though it is very lame, is the running joke I kept up with him for literally ten years. Age is kind of a taboo thing to ask in our family (or i guess in Asia in general or whenever someone just starts getting old lol) but since I was literally like seven years old I always asked him, 'Jack, 你几岁？" which is "Jack, how old are you?"

It kept up over the years and whenever I would start my question out with "Jack...." we would try to beat each other to it by asking the other person how old they are. It sounds absurd now that I am typing it out but

I like how this started out as a feel-good memories thing but it just turns to this ha

i don't know why i'm so sad? i feel like this kind of feeling is supposed to wear off after a day or two, maybe a few days. not for this long.

i think the reason why i'm having trouble describing or writing about this feeling is kinda the shame I feel from feeling this. Does that make sense?

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I have friends, I have a family, I have a place to live with a warm comfortable bed and a fridge full of way too much food. Therefore, I feel shameful from being sad--there is no reason for me to feel this way. you know?

okay I guess I should do more work now.


also idk who tf is reading this but i hope this is somewhat entertaining

i just woke up and i haven't even showered yet so i feel absolutely disgusting

i kind of want to go work out before i shower but i don't think i can physically handle that right now lmao

rf;rh;rufruvfn i'm not doing that again for a while

UGH i feel like i can't write in here my proper thoughts and feelings because i know people are reading this and it makes me paranoid that I don't know who

last night was nidia's birthday party so it was really cool seeing everyone (well, most) from Shanghai again. G and i went to 6th for a bit but it wasn't too fun so we just came back early and I went back to nidia's to chill.

yeah honestly

other than special occasions (like birthdays lol) i'm going to take a break from all that for now

okay today

well first i need to shower

and then i need to figure out a way to stop being depressed

and then i need to study and do homework

ok good plan

i need to stop being so whiny and get my stuff done lmao

uGHDHSHGFHGDHFGH ok im gonna go work on my apps now

for like 30 min bc then I'm going out with g to eat dinner and shanghai reunion

also while I am writing this I would just like to reemphasize for like the 100th time on this blog that feelings suck

except this time around the tables are turned and I feel bad but I don't know what to do

so one of my roommates basically gave up talking to boys until she gets an internship this summer; and while I admire her resilience, I don't think I could do the same

BUT ACTUALLY

I think I could!! i'm tired af of "talking" and this year I need to figure my shit out on my own and seriously just these experiences from this past year is making me feel so ick about boys

why am I writing on here and not my applications

ok goodbye

i'm sorry my writing is so jumbled recently; I'm so paranoid that people I know are reading my blog so I've just been writing in my own journal. Honestly I feel like if I wrote on here what I write in my personal journal people would probably call 911 l o l

ok bye

i don't know which one is worse

how i felt this time last year, or how i feel now

Jeast 6th Floor Bathroom Stall #1

When someone retraces their first year in college, most memorable spots are common: your dorm room on the 6th floor of Jester East where you and friends crammed onto your tiny twin sized bed to do face masks and watch scary movies, the bushes right next to 6-pack where you fell into at midnight when that cute boy was walking you home, Wendy's at 3 am eating drunk fries, McCombs 5th floor where you pulled multiple all nighters, the apartment complexes in West Campus where you first made out with a boy you don't even remember...etc etc

(lol)

Those are all pretty significant places to me.

However.

My most significant place in my first year of college is bathroom stall #1 on the 6th floor of Jester East.

UNFORTUNATELY

Think about it. People have all these memorable places that they walk through again when they're a senior, showing their friends all these places, and when its my turn, its a freaking bathroom stall in my freshmen dorm.

I have 3 particular memories that make this such a memorable spot:

1. The time I got dumped

We're on the stairs outside of Greg, facing Jester. It's almost midnight. I'm wearing my Chicago orchestra hoodie (the really oversized one that makes me look like a blueberry) and sweatpants. I brought tissues in my hoodie pocket because I was expecting to cry, but then make up, hug, kiss, go back to my room and go to my third day of class tomorrow.

I don't remember what he's wearing. He's quiet, he's fiddling with the Texas keychain I gave him, but then it comes out quietly.

Maybe we should break up.

I don't know how we managed to stay out there for another 3 hours. How many times did I beg him to not do this?

By the time we leave, it's past 3 am. My sweatshirt is covered with snot and tears (lovely) and of course, I don't have my ID with me to get back into my dorm. I pathetically knock on the doors outside to get the attention of the person at the front desk, and nod my head while sobbing my eyes out as the girl asks me, "Are you okay?"

Yes--I just started college 2 days ago with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and he just dumped me and I have no friends here, but I'm okay!

I get to my room. Lila is asleep, and the first person I call is Madhuri. She doesn't pick up; of course she doesn't pick up, its 3 am on a school night and she's asleep.

I can't talk in my room anyways. I stumble to the bathroom and lock myself in the first stall bathroom.

It's 3 in the morning on a school night. There's only two people who would answer my call at this time.

"Hello? Mui? What are you doing up so late?"

I spend the next 2 hours bawling while sitting on the toilet to my mother. Mom, I can't do this, I want to come home, let me come home, let me switch schools, why would he do this, please--

I'm interrupted halfway by a girl blow drying her hair outside my stall. Funny now, but annoying as shit at the time. I just got dumped, I'm trying to talk to my mom here, can you please be fucking quiet?

It's almost 5 am when I end the call.

And that's the first significant moment I had in the bathroom stall.

2. The time I got too drunk

It happens to everyone okay??

I can't write too much about this, not because I don't want to, but because I don't remember (lol).

It's Zack's Valentine's day party. I go with Anna, Genny, and her boyfriend. I'll be good this time, I promised, I have to. TUSPC is tomorrow, so I can't be hungover.

Something happened, alcohol, dancing, music, it's 3 am (?), I'm running down the stairs, someone is shouting, "dude she's wasted, help her", Nick is holding me, Zack is telling me to get in the fucking car, and Sang-Bin pulls over right in front of Jester when I throw up.

Anna helps me to my dorm. I manage a (creepy, I'm sure) grin at the person at the front desk. Nope, I'm not drunk at all.

I barely make it into the bathroom stall when I throw up some mixture of vodka and cranberry juice into the bowl. It's a pretty shade of red. It could even be my favorite color, if I hadn't just heaved it out from my stomach.

A girl knocks on the stall. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah," I slur, and I heave the next pile of vomit into the bowl.

Yes, I was very hungover for TUSPC the next day.

3. The time I was too stressed

It's a few weeks before finals, and as everyone knows, the few weeks before finals is almost as stressful as finals itself because its when all the professors pile up the exam before the final exam on you.

I think I had a Econ exam coming up, and my advertising exam was the next day. I'm not sure. I just remember I was very stressed.

I go to sleep around 2 am, and I wake up around 4 with the most pain in my stomach I've ever had. My bed is bunked and I try my best to get off without killing myself or waking Lila up from her sleep.

The last thing I remember is punching in the bathroom code and opening the door. The next thing I see is the bathroom floor right in front of my face.

I'm laying on the tile floor of the bathroom in the first stall, which as I start realizing I'm thinking this is fucking disgusting, the floor is disgusting and I'm laying on it with my clean PJs on. Why am I here??

This one isn't as fun or interesting as the other 2, unfortunately. I just passed out in the stall because of stress (according to the school nurse).

--

I feel like there were more instances in which this bathroom stall was so significant to me, but I guess not since I don't remember.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been working (lol) and traveling abroad in Shanghai. Update coming soon maybe

tiana

18.

okk and then later later later on that night:







EOS happened to fall on my bday so yayyyy get to dress up even more

Dear 19 year old Tiana,