My Decision

Tuesday, May 05, 2015 0 Comments A+ a-


Okay I feel kind of silly doing this, but I still feel like I have to/want to do it.

I have made my college decision.

Honestly I'm just emailing this to a couple people and maybe posting it on my blog but it feels nice to feel important like so many people are eagerly waiting my decision.

Even as I'm writing this I'm still having doubts on whether or not I am actually making the "right" decision. I think both schools could have been "right" for me, but...well obviously I can only choose one.

I am also writing this for my sake because I still feel like I need to convince myself and use this to tell myself that my decision is okay, and that I will be fine.

There are so many things that people look for in a school: diversity, professor availability, administration, ranking, prestige, student culture...

Some things matter to me more than they matter to others. I think even when I was in middle school, I always wanted to be at a "top" college. I imagined myself going to Sarah Lawrence (weird I know) or some prestigious Ivy League school, and getting all the recognition I (thought) I deserved.

Senior year has honestly made the biggest impact on me. It has OPENED MY EYES O.O (...) to so...many sucky things. Here is what I have learned my senior year.

1. I am not special. I am not "extraordinarily" talented. I think I am slightly above average (is that too conceited?) but nowhere near the high caliber I always imagined myself to be at. This is one of the biggest realizations I have come to, and one of the shittiest.

2. I am heavily reliant on people, and that is not good. I need to change that.

3. I can be so so so lazy

I know that all sounds terrible, and that I am super unconfident and terrible to myself. But sometimes, it's good to realize and learn things about yourself. Not everything you learn about yourself is going to be positive. That's why you admit your faults and try to improve upon them :)

Getting back to the topic:

I was between SMU and UT.

Overall, theoretically and realistically, SMU was the better choice for me.

I have written this out so many times on paper and in my mind. SMU offered everything I needed to succeed: It is a private school, the professors are honestly caring and readily available, (all the times I talked to the undergraduate admissions, they were always so kind and truly went out of their way to help me), they offer the majors that I am interested in, it is a much smaller school than UT so I have more one on one attention, they have absolutely INSANE connections, I got into the BBA Scholars and Honors programs, the Alternative Assets Program...

The list goes on.

SMU was...pretty perfect.

So I guess you may think that I am the most stupid and ridiculous person on this earth when I say that I have made my decision, and I will not be attending SMU.

What does UT offer me?

UT offers me: A regular business program, vast options for me to choose my major (albeit not having my top choice majors)-- one thing that UT has exceptionally better than SMU is their computer science program. Not saying that I will be going that route, I don't even know why I tossed that in there. Oh I guess I mean to emphasize that at UT, I have choices.

Is that it?

Here's what UT DOESN'T offer me (or what they offer that I don't like):

1. I didn't get into the Business Honors Program. I can always reapply my sophomore year, but considering the fact that they only accept 26% of applicants and the average GPA to get in is 3.9, I would say my chances are pretty slim to none.

2.  It is a huge HUGE public school. In contrast to SMU, whenever I called UT's undergraduate admissions, I usually stayed on hold from 10-20 minutes. Even after then, the people I talked to were rude and didn't seem to care about me very much. I'm pretty sure one of them even hung up on me once.

I think that's it.

From an outsider's perspective, I am making the wrong decision. I question myself on that too.

I have gone through this so many times in my head. There's only so much I can think about. I'm pretty sure after this week I'm done thinking.

Actually never mind, AP exams are next week.

Here is why I am going to UT instead of SMU.

Whenever I imagine myself at SMU, I imagine myself attending my first lecture--a small class, maybe 20 people. I imagine myself introducing myself to my professor, introducing myself to the other students...doing pretty well. I imagine myself studying on the beautiful green lawn in front of Dedman's college, joining the university orchestra (though I don't even know if they have one, but they probably do), and getting assistance from my teachers.

I imagine myself rushing for a sorority. I imagine myself attending all these parties and trying to fit in with all these southern millionaires. Here's the part where people will try to correct me: "SMU isn't ALL white, southern, rich people, there are others who are on scholarships and are just like you." And they're right! But so am I. I will try and fit in with everyone. But I will not get along with the majority of the people there, which, granted, isn't necessary.

I imagine myself coming home to my dorm room, to a roommate who I may or may not like, or someone I am simply indifferent towards. I imagine myself coming home after a long day of exhausting activities and a long day of trying to not be myself and fit in and make friends. I imagine myself sitting at my desk, on my laptop on Facebook instead of opening my books and studying. I imagine myself scrolling through all my friends' pictures at other colleges and how much fun they are having.

I imagine myself crying myself to sleep every night for the next four years, trying to go through everything hoping that it will all be worth it in the end.

^slight exaggeration, but truly, that is how I see myself at SMU

Here is how I imagine my life at UT:

I am excited. I'm moving into my new dorm for the next year with my friend, and I'm decorating my side of the room with pictures of all the people I love. I'm attending orientation, and I am not afraid to make new friends. I don't know why that is--why do I feel more confident in terms of putting myself out there at UT? I'm attending my first lecture in a huge room of 200 people. I chat excitedly with the people around me. I blend in, and I don't stand out. I feel like everyone else, I fit in.

I don't want to blend in. I want to stand out. I see myself eating at Einstein's bagels with my friends before classes, and going to the gym (lol) with my roommate. I see myself frustrated, on the phone with the undergraduate admissions person who keeps putting me on hold, and I imagine myself rolling my eyes at my friend who understands my frustration and makes fun of the undergraduate admissions person for me. I laugh.

I see myself meeting a reasonable amount of people, and making new friends, but

I imagine myself coming back to my dorm on most nights. I imagine myself sitting down at my desk and poring through all my books and studying my butt off. I imagine myself trying so hard to get into the Business Honors program, and maybe failing, maybe succeeding. I imagine myself going in to talk to my professors, and waiting in line for 20 minutes to ask a simple question, but I imagine myself asking questions every single day after every single lecture to make sure I understand every single thing. I imagine myself working really really hard, and making myself stand out, and proving that I made the right choice.

Is it weird that I am especially excited about that last part?

There is no doubt that I will have to work much harder at UT to prove myself. I don't have to prove myself at SMU, I don't have any motivation to do so: I already got into BBA and honors. Maybe I am just saying that because I have already decided on UT. I like working hard. I think that is the only thing I have going for me, really. I think that if I go to UT, I will have no choice but to work hard. I didn't get a chance to prove myself in high school, and I need to do that now.

Maybe I'm being naïve. I don't know how hard I'm going to work at UT. I say that I'm going to study my butt off now, but who knows what will really happen when I get there?

Someone sent me this screenshot this morning. Maybe it's just another thought catalog post, and another one of those cheesy inspirational things. But I honestly felt better when I read it. My decision may not make sense to a lot of people, and may seem completely wrong, but it's what feels right to me.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped me throughout this college process. I was kind of really frustrated and gloomy and sad this month, and the fact that I still have friends after all my rants and crazy texts and crying phone calls is surprising. So thank you to whoever you are reading this, because there's a reason that I sent this to you.

I write about stuff no one cares about--aka my life